Occupy Connersville, Indiana!!!

Oh no! Looks like some radicals are going crazy for May Day tomorrow, May 1, 2012.

Oh Lordy, the Occupy radicals has come to Connersville, Indiana! Dads, lock up you daughters! Farmers, lock up your goats!

This is a real official Movement, because they have a page on Facebook and everything. It’s very frightening!

Here’s their manifesto:

We, the 99% of living and therefore entitled downtrodden people need and demand that the wealthy 1% who own and control everything in Connersville, Indiana and The World pay their fair share and supply our wants and needs.

We specifically demand that the legislatures repeal the vicious Laws of Supply and Demand that have for too long oppressed us poor folk from having everything we want. We desperately need an Anti-Dog-Eat-Dog Law.

In the place of these vicious market laws, we specifically demand that a minimum wage of $100 per hour be established as law. Those who cannot find gainful employment either because they lack highly valuable skills or because they lack motivation to suffer the psychic oppression of employment should nonetheless thus get our $4G a week in direct payment from the government. This will of course be paid for by a surcharge on the wealthiest 1%, because they can obviously afford it. Pay up and hold on to your hat, Mr. Moneybags. You can run, but you can’t hide from Justice!

Next we must address the deplorable conditions under which we are forced to stage our protests. We can’t very well Occupy Connersville by sleeping on the courthouse lawn with 20 degree temperatures and an inch of ice. We therefore demand that the government immediately begin delivering the Global Warming that Vice-President Gore has promised for decades now. In the meantime, the city should pay for hotel rooms that we can use to fulfill our First Amendment right to protest the government. It’s our FIRST AMENDMENT RIGHT, m’kay? Can we have some respect for the US Constitution here?

Also, we should all get free weed. It’s not fair that we have to pay exorbitant black market prices for marijuana. It’s only against the law because Patty Hearst was trying to keep the Black Panthers from taking over the paper making business. It’s on the internet. Look it up. How many of us living at home could quit our crappy jobs if we didn’t have to pay for simple weed? It should be considered a right, part of our right to food and shelter. We should all have a right to free weed. At a minimum, we should be able to buy weed with food stamps. It’d be more nutritious than a lot of the junk food bought with food stamps now.

Finally, and perhaps most importantly, we demand that the plutocrat moneybags resurrect Jerry Garcia from the dead so that the un-Dead Jerry can resume his irreplaceable role as spiritual leader of the people – in short, the awesomest guitar player ever. We then need the Grateful Dead to play for our protest, which Jerry would surely be grateful to do for having been rescued from damnation’s cellar. We are not interested in the plutocrat’s protestations about what is and is not “possible”. If they wish to avoid The People’s Wrath, they shouldn’t deny this, The People’s greatest wish. Also, they should bring back Hendrix and Jim Morrison – oh, and Che! That would be awesome.

We’ll come up with more stuff we want later.

Down with America! Destroy capitalism! Rage against the machine! Vote Obama 2012 – or else!


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